It was a nightmare first day at work due to the not-having-any-sleep situation... After a cold shower and coffee I paced around the house, while also trying to keep cool, and waited for my lift off Mark’s son. I arrived at the SmartCity Malta office at 9:00 and I made my excuses straight away in case they mistook my lethargy for disrespect or weirdness. Of course I had to meet so many new people, remaining polite and making good first impressions despite feeling dead inside, but by a miracle I think I was pulling it off. I walked round in the heat at dinnertime looking for a sandwich, but soon realised this place is in the middle of nowhere, so I went back to the office and just pretended I had eaten something. Next was a site visit in the afternoon- very hectic, no idea what was going on and impossible to take anything in. I felt removed from my own body as if I was watching someone else experience all of this. Later, they left me alone to read about the project, but I decided I had to go home as I was too tired to concentrate and couldn’t handle being there. So after more bus trauma, I eventually got home for 4pm and tried to sleep.
But this pattern lasted all weekend... dozing but waking up in a panic, hardly any sleep, pacing around the house and getting myself in a state. I decided to go out for a pint on the Saturday evening and meet more new friends who I hardly knew. It was good to get out to remove myself from my situation and I thought I would definitely sleep after a few pints... but no... still I lay awake again for the whole night, occasionally getting up to walk around cursing the flat and this country. The night blended into Sunday morning and I forgot about trying to sleep. Confused and feeling like a zombie with no company for comfort, I decided there is no way I can go into work tomorrow. I need a day to get myself together. Mark let me know his flight from Canada will be delayed by 10 hours, so there will be more alone time in the house yet. From my point of view, maybe that’s for the best.
Monday at last I managed to start sleeping, clearing my head, and doing all the neccessary chores I couldn’t face over the weekend. I got back in the frame of mind for those thoughts of self improvement... how to be a better person... no more negativity or getting irritable with my irritating mate, who arrived back at 11:00pm. I was quite relieved and realised I really need company now, where in the past I always kidded myself that I didn’t need it. I am determined there will be no more bad feeling, I won’t react to anything in a negative way, I want to start enjoying life all the time, not just in small pockets.
So I am thinking of Tuesday as my first real day at work. It is embarrassing but I had to have yesterday off, no question about it. Now everything is fresh, I am not nervous because nothing could ever be as bad as last Friday, and compared to then I feel a hundred times better. The “dutch” bloke from the interview is actually Swedish, and my boss, so all my assumptions I had made about him were obviously wrong. Now I am seeing, despite still not really knowing my job description, that I actually landed on my feet getting this job and I have to hold on to it. I feel an affinity with the country again and that everything is not a disaster after all. I’m still very tired though and relying on coffee as I settle in and read about this massive €200M project. It all seems very interesting and I am determined to rise to the challenge. Maybe I could get enthusiastic about my work for once in my life?
At home, my mate has many stories from his trip to Canada... it sounds like a holiday not a work conference and it makes me jealous to think I was suffering here all that time. But now at least I’m appreciating what I have around me. I can’t wait for my first wage as I can clear debts and lubricate my existence, i.e. stop the constant feeling of scraping by. Throughout the week, I’m still tired most of the time, but gradually learning more about the job, making sense of the site drawings, integrating, doing all my inductions, and trying to find a way around the 35% tax rate. I’m confident I can get my head around anything eventually and I think I’m coming across ok- I don’t do the new starter shyness, but I’m careful not to be too cocky either. In general I’m keeping my positive outlook, not letting anything get to me. People moan about work so much but we need work for our peace of mind and a sense of self worth. I had all this time off for the last 2 months, but I was never contented. Now that I spend 9 hours a day at work, in some twisted way, I feel better about myself. Time is too precious to waste it by being in a bad mood. I’m starting to feel good at least about my short term future.
By Friday, I’ve almost caught up with lost sleep and seem to be fitting in ok at work, meeting more new people on site, asking questions and wanting to learn about all aspects of the job. But things are never smooth for me and I had one of my mini seizures in the toilet. It’s nothing major, I self diagnosed them a few years ago as simple partial seizures. It hadn’t happened for at least a year before this one, and I never talked about it because I used to think it was the start of epilepsy. Now I see that doesn’t seem to be the case, but I was always scared of losing my driving license and didn’t want to worry anybody. Also it sounds daft but I don’t want it to stop because I quite like the experience. What happens is I gradually get an intense feeling of déjà vu... I become convinced I have lived this moment already as a child or in a past life... a really weird mystical and profound feeling comes over me which gives me a slight feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach, but it's not unpleasant and it makes me fascinated... faint images come into my head such as a shadowy figure, a weird event from the past, or a menacing dream I've had... none of which are real memories and I can never manage to define what I am trying to recall... it sounds weird but in my head it is much more so. I get an intense thought stream, this time based around the big step I've taken into the unknown, so I started to feel alientated. Then, I experience jamais vu, where I switch to not recognising my surroundings for a while, and that is the unpleasant part where I might start to feel a bit sick and all my current worries come to the surface. I get one or two more waves of these odd flashbacks, now recalling a dream about a sea monster or something, but it's just an abstract concept, not a definite image. My head goes fuzzy for a good half hour after as I try to work out what my head was telling me. I never manage to solve it, and I can't discuss it with anyone as they'd think I was a proper weirdo. Once my mind clears though, there are moments of clarity such as promising myself I won't get irritable with anything from now on, and the realisation that I came here for a change of lifestyle so I shouldn't be surprised that I got it. In the end, the whole process inspires me to be more sociable, which is another reason why I quite like these little episodes, even though that sounds wrong. It only happened a handful of times in the last 4 or 5 years, I never lose consciousness, and when I sense it happening, I can stop it if I choose to, by not letting my brain get drawn into it. However, I will definitely go and see a doctor if it gets worse and starts causing serious problems.
This weekend there is a Festa in Gzira, which I saw a bit of on the Friday night with the decorations everywhere and the crowds gathering for the fireworks, but I'm feeling too tired to appreciate it. It is getting very hot now, approaching 35º and it doesn’t let up at any time, even in the middle of the night. I’m trying to get back into a regular gym routine but the heat saps all my energy. I’m making good progress learning the language, still waiting for the car to be fixed, and still patiently waiting to get my hands on one of my guitars again... still feeling that everything will soon start coming together.
You can't waste time indoors with this weather... and the sea is so warm that you can’t not go to the beach at the weekend. Everything else was put on hold as I went to a rocky beach for some diving, getting more and more daring as I have to take everything to the extreme, trying to introduce acrobatics etc. I also visited St. Paul’s bay in Qawra for a bit of lunch with the screaming kids and the flies... I have to confess I found myself starting to get a bit tense but I fought it off, along with the urge to keep eating ice creams.
Back to work on the Monday- I don’t mind it, but getting used to working life again feels like I’m being carried along with no time to stop and think. I’m generally being left alone to find things out for myself and plug the gaps in my knowledge that I should have filled in previous jobs. It's hard not to keep going on about the heat... I love the experience of having consistent sunshine, but now we are getting into the 35º+ stage it can become a bit draining, thus destroying motivation for anything planned for the evenings. What makes me feel worse is that my housemate is a teacher and he now has the next 3 months off, but at least I’m making him still get up early to give me lifts while I’m waiting for the car. We nearly ran over a stray dog one morning, but then I looked behind me to see that the dog actually did get run over by a big white van. Not good. I think he went under the wheels but somehow he still got up and ran off. How can animals have no sense of danger on a busy road? These things leave an imprint on me because I'm a bit soft like that.
On a more positive note, I got my maltese social security number set up and am well on my way to getting a residency permit and I.D. card so that I am not seen as a tourist anymore. I got my first ever set of business cards too. The car was ready on Wednesday so I went for my first drive that evening. It's no big deal, I wouldn’t have been nervous at all if not for my passenger trying to tell me how to drive a car. It’s great to be independent and I'm looking forward to doing a bit of exploring / getting lost. It all comes down to money again though, i.e. for petrol, and I’m waiting patiently for my first wage. Meanwhile I’m still shelling out money left, right and centre for food, bills, and instalments to buy the car. I drove to Rinella bay one dinner time, which is just a little sandy beach (a bit chavvy but no tourists about) and I'm finding the car to be a bit rough so I’m wondering if it is worth the €3K that is being asked. There is a big discrepancy with UK car prices and it feels wrong to pay more for this than for my Honda which is sat off road at Mum and Dad’s.
Friday is “donut day” on site. It’s good once the initial two weeks are over and you start to feel comfortable joking about. It’s difficult for me in a lot of the meetings as half of what is said is in Maltese, but I am determined get up to speed, and what they don’t realise is that I already understand all the swear words they use. As I tried to set off for home, the car died completely, so had to call out M.E.T.- the equivalent of the AA in England... but it was only a loose battery connection and I felt pretty stupid about that.
Cheap weekend- still very tired and not feeling in control. I’m still in sleep catch up mode. Nothing new to report apart from the festa in Msida on Saturday and picking people out of the crowds to take the piss out of. On reading this blog back to myself I realise how boring it is, so I have to apologise for anyone who has persevered to this point... I can't seem to stop but I wish I could make it more concise.
I am frustrated at times that I don't know enough people, so I can't do things like playing football on the beach. The weather is perfect for these things but it seems everyone can't bear the sun. Apparently nobody goes out at midday in summer but I don't accept that. I want to suffer the heat and make the most of it. It was 4pm by the time I made it to Blue Grotto on Sunday, but is wasn't too late. Went past a loud pub full of rowdy lads getting wasted, down to the main area which was packed out. I didn't like it at first and it seemed to be full of chavs, but I wasn’t bothered when I saw that I could practice diving from height safely. Some idiots take it to the extreme and do a running jump from high up where you have to jump out and clear 5m, otherwise you are dashed on the rocks. I would have thought the plaques with dead teenagers' names would be a deterrent. I noticed other people finding it funny when Mark dives in because he's big, makes a huge splash, and they don't expect him to do it. He doesn't care though, you have to admire his confidence and it got me thinking how I wish I could have shared this attitude in the past rather than being so shy all the time about how I looked. Walking back to the car, there were 4 police cars surrounding the loud pub, which didn’t surprise me as I could sense an ecstasy atmosphere.
By Monday I had caught up with sleep, not busy at all at work, but somehow they seem pleased with my progress (?). Every time I go on site, or anywhere in my work clothes, I come back drenched, but I still try to visit local areas in my dinner breaks... Xghajra seems like a barren place where nothing ever happens, but this is what a lot of Maltese people seem to like. I drove past a small astroturf pitch thinking maybe we could book this for 7-a-side, but then I realised that this is the Xghajra Tornadoes team pitch.
Even though I feel like I'm already on a vacation, a few friends are talking about going away on a tour holiday somewhere... it doesn't seem right to me... aren't these tours for families? Expensive and constrained by their schedule... I've also been invited on a stag do in Tallinn, but I don't think I can justify that one. I am almost down to my last euro and work leave days are very scarce- only 12 days for this year including at Xmas. Now I see the flexitime system was a blessing in my last job, but at least here it's not soul destroying to actually come to work in the first place. I decided on a cheap holiday to Florence, so I can see some of Italy for the first time. I can't just not go anywhere this year; there is so much of the world I still want to see... China, Ireland, Croatia, Sicily, Rome, NY, LA...
I finally received my job description after 2 weeks here at SmartCity, but still no real tasks. It bores me to just sit reading when I could do the same on a beach somewhere, and I'm always tired as it's impossible to get a decent sleep when it's 25deg at night. I use dinner breaks to work on my Maltese language book and the rest of the time just keeping my head down. I'm hoping they will get my sense of humour once I start to open up, but people usually do, otherwise I would consider them to be dicks anyway. I can't moan as I've had far worse jobs for less money. I also noticed everyone around me speaks a second language... Spanish, Italian, French, Swedish, German, wtf... In meetings I’m thinking more about languages than the discussion. I have to be careful to stifle the temptation to use Maltese swear words that sound like slapstick to me, but are actually very offensive. Having found a website with swear words + translations, they seem to be a bit more extreme here- mentioning family members and private parts a lot.
A small section of roadworks seems to cause a traffic jam across the whole country. On top of this I am being made to feel guilty by my housemate who is alone all day and bored... that is to say- on holiday while I'm at work... I don't get that.
Friday brings the Farson's beer festival at Ta' Qali. It is a great venue and reminds me of all the mad times I've had at bigger festivals in England. It's well laid out, no queues for the beer despite being busy, and I'm impressed with the bands too. It's a shame I was with a tee-totaller who doesn't understand music. Due to the dark hiding places amongst the trees, there must be a lot of drugs here but I was only inspired by the music... I need to be in a band again as I have been reminded of what makes me tick.
The next day at the gym, a muscle in my back folded in two, which winded me at the same time. Very painful, a bit worrying and annoying but I just have to rest it. Went out to Sliema and Valletta, people-watching, in a silly mood and obsessed with practicing Maltese stuff I’ve picked up... I must be quite annoying at times. That night, the world went mad with the news of the spree killing in Norway, the train crash in China and the Amy Winehouse death which I'm not so bothered about. So many countries are in turmoil- Japan, New Zealand, Libya, Egypt, Afghanistan, Somalia, South Korea (landslide)... I don't know what to make of it. It puts my back pain into perspective, however I'm still managing to feel sorry for myself and eating bad things as a consolation.
Visited a rocky beach area at Delimara... again, a bit skanky but would be good for diving... on to Birzebugga, feeling antisocial and resenting spending any money at all on food. A bit of Bowie cheered me up, but the weekend seems to have just disintegrated this time. Despite doing nothing I still feel in general as if I have no time to get anything done. That's a bit of a weird statement really, and how would I feel if I had a family to look after as well as work and the usual chores? One thing at a time... for now I'm just waiting until I get paid.
Monday morning- the sun is out and I’m feeling positive. I received a brand new laptop with loads of RAM and disk space, but in a way it is a poison chalice because I am scared of them monitoring the websites I go on while I am bored. It's not my fault that they're giving me nothing to do, but still I can't take the piss. At least everyone is sociable, helping me learn Maltese... a good atmosphere. With the little spare time I have after work, it is becoming a habit to walk along the front or take a bus to Sliema... the new buses are freezing cold but there are always plenty of mad things going on to occupy the mind. As well as the fuss being made by the whole country about the new bus routes, tonight the bus was halted by some illegal immigrants as they pushed their car back up a one way street, with all the passengers taking videos and cussing.
I'm still getting odd dreams, I couldn't explain them if I tried, but one of them involved me adopting a stray blue cat... The odd mood swing is creeping back in also. I feel that I consider other people too much and don't do what I want to do, then I end up resenting it. Or maybe I’m just creating trouble where there isn't any. I found out my housemate is conditioning me- buying sweet things to keep me in a better mood- that's the opposite of what I need. He is the same as me getting down about things you can't do anything about... In the roof garden at night, I listened to stories of his failed marriage, letting family down etc. but I think it would be worse to have never had children in the first place. I hope that is not what is in store for me. I don't get down about it though- I know things will work out in the end. Oh and I saw a shooting star.
Long meetings at work are showing me how much I don't know about this project yet. I found a good spot for dinnertimes- a nice beach area between the film set tanks and Rinella bay, sitting on the rocks with nobody else around and watching the sea. There is a slight smell of rotting garbage though.
To Ta' Qali again on Friday as the beer festival is still on. This time we went with one of Mark's teacher friends. I was pleased to find out he's a bit of a mad head. It was much better this week, there is more to say in a bigger group. I was also introduced to CISK XS- a dangerously deceptive 9% lager. No stress or arguments brewing- it felt like the good times of my past- socialising, doing the normal things, being in decent company, gaining musical inspiration, generally feeling reinvigorated.
On the Saturday I tried to make a pizza, but noticed little bugs jumping around in the flour, then spotted more of them in a bag of peanuts... basically everything that had been left out was infested. Disgusting. Went out to Hamrun and noticed I'd finally been paid, and also no tax had come out. Instead of being happy, I got confused and had to sit down for ages to think about my finances. Went to some kiosk for a load of rubbish food which turned out to be a more expensive meal than going to a restaurant. I knew there had to be a bad area in Malta, and Hamrun is it... the place where all the low lives hang out. Then I got a translation of what some chav girl had been saying out aloud about her sex life... very graphic and of course she was a minger. What a relief to be earning again though... I settled the immediate debts I owed, and at last I feel I can pay my way properly. However, still have other debts and things to save for, so I can’t let myself be too happy.
I'm getting back to the sunbathing thing again... I spoke to a mate on the beach who encouraged me to take steroids for training, like he does. No way would I take it that far but I am still very motivated to increase the intensity in order to get in better shape- so I decided I'll try creatine instead. Went out to some pub/club party that night, pretty pissed and hazy memories of who I spoke to, so can't really comment on it...
Big hangover the next day but still glad I went out. Feeling more settled and integrated. Made a roast dinner amongst the moth larvae in the kitchen. Watched the last ever Harry Potter film and was surprised to actually enjoy it. Came out onto the streets of Valletta to a bizarre atmosphere as a religious procession was going on for the festa. It was very interesting, like going back hundreds of years. More pizza and chocolate... I feel good mentally, but have to stop the physical abuse. Eating healthy and cheap is impossible here though, esp. with the summer factor. Went home via the Phoenicia Hotel- very impressive- and I reminded my mate to try to help me with my learning Maltese. He says things like "don't try to be something you're not", which is totally discouraging. It might seem weird but I do want to forget about being English at times, as if I am looking for a dual identity to hide behind.
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