Strummer in Malta - June 2011

Writing in the present tense is tiring so I need to stop that and spend less time on this blog in general. So this is June...


I keep waking with a nervous feeling that I could be starting work imminently and I am totally underprepared. So I’m scurrying around everywhere in a panic. I have set up a Maltese bank account and got a new phone contract with Vodafone, the main network provider, but had to set it up in my friend’s name because they don’t trust me. When I came to cancel my O2 contract they said it takes a month, so there’s more money down the drain as the two contracts overlap. Also I have to post the phone back to England to have it unlocked. Great! Things you take for granted seem to be much harder to do when you are abroad, which makes you feel less of a belonging. At least I’m starting to see people on the streets to say hello to (not random strangers) and I’m forgetting about the money I misplaced. What else... I made enquiries about a scuba diving course for when I have money... and eastenders has finally caught up to where I was up to before I left England which is good because it’s the only thing I can watch apart from BBC world news.

Another worry is getting a car sorted. The rental prices are around €400 a month which is a ridiculous waste of money. To buy a half decent second hand motor would be around €2K - €3K. I would have made plans earlier than this but I was told I could buy Mark's old car off him. Now it turns out someone else is using it (for free) so I have to make my own arrangements...? This didn’t seem right to me so when I suggested that I would actually buy the car in instalments, a deal was done. I feel bad for pushing in but it’s only fair, and I have to look out for myself. Soon I will be looking forward to getting my head around the mental driving- every man for himself.

It rained for a couple of days which is not that pleasant because it becomes so humid. You can’t protect yourself by wearing a coat because it’s too warm so you just have to soak it up in your shorts and T-shirt.


Did I mention that the clothes are a rip off? Prices are around 25% more expensive than in England, and decent shoes / trainers are always around the €90 mark. I can’t contemplate paying these prices but I did find a good value local shop for work and casual wear. Now I feel better prepared and am just waiting for the good news from Transport Malta (if any) about the job while keeping an eye on some new back up opportunities that have emerged.


Entertainment is still lacking without money. Apparently this flat is haunted which could entertain me if I believed in it, otherwise, there is a fairground on at Manoel Island. But at 30 years old you feel a bit like a kiddy fiddler unless you have a woman with you. I had a go on the Arabian derby game where you roll the balls into the holes and the donkeys race each other, but I came last... waste of €2. Owned.


Though I have been keeping busy organising myself, I am missing my guitars more and more and I constantly feel like there are loads of other things I should be doing with all my free time, mainly learning Maltese. I keep getting stupid comments from my mate, accusing me of being scared to immerse myself in the language because that’s the only way to learn... and it’s how children learn. But I don’t agree... you need a foundation to learn from which I don’t have yet. I try to get my point across but I usually just get into a rage due to the unnecessary criticism and being interrupted. It shows me how easily I can snap. I definitely need to be less sensitive, less serious, stop analysing and arguing, and lighten up. Life is to be enjoyed and not everything needs to be explained and concluded. Even though there is still no word about the job by the end of my 5^th week, I am not panicking as I am prepared for whatever comes up.


Then I go back to square one on my birthday (4^th). I did have a decent day out and it always feels like a special day with all the messages from friends and family... nice meal in The Avenue too in St Julians... but then I always expect an amazing night out and I’m always disappointed with what happens... this year was no exception. The problem started with the fact that my mate’s idea of a good night out is walking around the bars and not going in any of them because “they just want you to spend money”. So instead we looked at Millenium Chapel which is a strange modernised church... interesting but not what I had in mind. It's clear that I need to find other mates if I ever want a mad night out round here... but what about tonight? At one point I ended up sat on some rocks on my own by the sea drinking disgusting wine thinking what the hell did I do coming to this country. No way back from this state of mind... I forced my mate to go to just one bar in Valletta, but it was a bit shit, the atmosphere wasn’t right, so I gave up. However, I couldn’t accept just going home, because that means accepting that your birthday went out with a whimper, so I decided to throw a drunken strop and start walking home as a protest. I’ve done this sort of thing a few times, never in a foreign country where I don’t quite know how to get back, but I was committed to it since my mate had driven off. At one point I lay down on some horizontal tree trunk I found to collect my thoughts and wonder why I was actually doing this. Am I justified or just being a prick? My problem is that I always want more out of life than what I have and this comes to a head on birthdays. Finally I got home, pleased that I’d navigated successfully, but still in a mood due to the pathetic end to the night.


I was still cheesed off the next morning, but conceded it’s only a birthday, and there is life after it. I went back to wondering why I get so wound up, perhaps I’m arrogant and think too much of myself. Just as I was cheering up and on my way to the beach, I spilled wine all over my gym bag and soaked my iPhone which went all haywire and stopped working properly. Nobody’s died I know but this sort of thing totally destroys my piece of mind. Phones never come back on once they get wet and I hate losing data. I probably rely too much on this phone, but here we go again, stress levels are right back up. I tried to put it to the back of my mind at the beach, but it didn’t happen. I did see two snakes mating though. The bad mood carried over to the evening at a religious feast in Ghaxaq... I say feast, but it was really just a few crowded fast food vans with a million mosquitoes hovering around the boiled burgers. Then the crowds of people got all hysterical over a statue of Jesus being carried up some stairs... I don’t mean to be disrespectful, I did actually have a good time, despite not getting anything from the religious side of things, and there were some pretty decent fireworks later on. Sometimes it seems to me that people round here will gather when there isn't actually anything to see, but everybody is happy so why should I knock it?


Next day, I get a bad Monday morning feeling, not due to work, but the lack of news about finding work. I make arrangements for phone repairs and I wish this feeling would go away... being unsettled and everything getting on top of me. I’m also scared to check my bank balance as the back up funds must have nearly run out. However, it is therapy to spend time at the beach and as I get talking to some of Mark’s friends, they firstly teach me some Maltese swear words, then invite me to support Tarxien Rainbows football team and start playing 5 a side. Settling in to a place is much more about having friends than knowing the area.


Having a job helps too. I am fed up of waiting forever for news from TM so I agreed to an interview with Smart City Malta- as a project engineer helping to build a large self contained area containing industrial, commercial, and residential units. The interview was held in the lounge at the top of the Intercontinental Hotel in St Julian’s. How the other half live... what a hotel... a slightly strange interview though. I started by having to apologise that they couldn’t get hold of me due to my phone problems, but I had also been avoiding their emails so I lied and said I had connection problems too (I hope they don't get to read this). The main interviewer was an enthusiastic man from Dubai and the other one (Dutch I think?) was more laid back, who I am convinced couldn’t hear most of what was being said, as I had my back to him. They seemed keen to tell me that I would be paying 35% tax- and this applies to any job I take with anything approaching a half decent salary- I didn’t even know that and there doesn’t seem to be any way around it. The wage discussions and job description did get my interest though, so this could actually be my best option if I am successful. I feel silly for dodging them now. However, the chances of such success may have taken a blow as I left, as I made a tit of myself... I started rambling, going down a blind alley about how I don’t drink much alcohol these days, and then walked backwards into a pillar as if to make a mockery out of my righteous claims. Not the best.


There don’t appear to be any drunkards here, or local celebrities who are off their head (like Mad Wayne in Crewe), but you just have to know where to look. All Maltese seem to be obsessed with local gossip and one evening at Marsamxett harbour in Sliema, my friend was delighted to notice a man stealing food waste from the boats. There is also a woman who seems to pop up with her trolley wherever you are, unashamedly looking in every bin she comes across for food scraps. You have to have pity for the circumstances which makes people do this. Apparently there are no homeless people here but I don’t believe that and there are certainly plenty of derelict buildings knocking about for potential squats.


I’m starting to feel much more positive towards the end of the week. The iPhone started working again, after a few days in a bag of rice to dry it out, so that’s a relief and expense spared. I am having vain thoughts due to the weather and suddenly feel the need to get a proper tan. Some lad made an annoying comment at the gym though, which put me in my place- alluding to the fact that I am still a weed and it will take at least a year to see any improvement- and he was actually trying to be nice.


I settled into a weekend of sunbathing by midday on Friday at one of my favourite spots in Ta’ Xbiex, walking distance from the flat. As an accompaniment, I am reading a book about string theory... a groundbreaking new way to look at the universe and how it behaves. It bothers me that most people aren’t interested in geeky stuff like cosmology and quantum mechanics, but for me it seems like the precursor to understand the meaning of life, so it is the most important topic you could ever come across. It’s heavy going, but I see light reading as a waste of time. I am really bad at reading in general though... I take about 5 minutes just to read one page because my mind always wanders. To sit reading is something I would never have been able to bring myself to do in Crewe. Life was still slow for me, but I was always rushing round trying to make something happen or achieve something productive. Now, the penny has just dropped that it’s ok not to be like that and a lower paced life can be beneficial, without worrying about what else I should be getting on with. The weather and the surroundings are obviously the pivotal factor in this change of mindset. It’s a luxury to be able to go for a swim in the sea whenever you want. I started to figure if I am enjoying something and it’s not harming me then I can stop looking for kicks elsewhere for now. Then, a load of speedboats started racing past one by one and I realised I would love to get some of that.


It all comes down to money though, in order for me to get involved with activities, going out, joining bands etc. Despite there still being no word from any of the job interviews or new applications I have made, I am determined just to be contented and relaxed, keep doing the weights, and see how brown I can get. Yes it’s mostly vanity, but also psoriasis is helped by the sun and salt water, and I like watching the marine life and the tiny lizards that scurry into holes in the rock as soon as you notice them.


On the Saturday evening, I agreed to go to another feast, this time in Zebbug. As we walked through the decorated village, I had another refreshing stream of thought... My perception of such quiet villages has always been that people must feel trapped and everyone is unhappy. But they aren’t, they like it, and it’s just me that has been bitter and twisted for so long. There are big crowds again and lots of activity, live music, awesome fireworks, humble bars and the same fast food vans as last week selling fat in a plastic container. This kind of gathering will happen at different places every weekend throughout summer, organised by the local churches. It seems like a great social activity and I can’t think of an English counterpart. It is only partly religious and really just an excuse for a public event. However, it is kind of a family orientated atmosphere and I feel as if I should be out somewhere else trying to meet people. The night was cut short as my mate received a strange anonymous phone call warning that “one of his Syrian friends is about to get him into trouble”. I didn’t probe or argue, I was quite happy to go to sleep early anyway. Things are generally on hold until I’m working, especially evening activity.


My dreams are still more intense and weird than usual. Some of them are too strange to explain, but the two main ones I'm getting are 1) being back at university underprepared for exams and 2) being hunted down after committing a crime (stealing or killing?) but I always end up escaping by flying and the whole thing turns into a computer game. I'm not sure what it all means, but I'm certainly not feeling troubled. I am happy to be here, no problem with visiting the same places regularly and still finding new areas to explore. The country is not so small after all, and as it's warm until midnight there is plenty of opportunity to go out walking. But even though it's effectively still one big holiday, it does get frustrating trying to avoid spending money and to eat healthily despite the food sirens everywhere.


One day I neglected to put sun lotion on and got talking to some 81 year old bloke about life here. He says watch out because the Maltese are foxy about getting money out of people, especially employees. He said that Brits are more intelligent, probably because they don’t have the weather, thus there is more motivation for personal achievements. I was happy that this backed up a comment I made myself near the start of this blog. Although now, having got used to being here, I think I would rather have this life. The bloke’s mate caught a squid while snorkelling and threw it to him for his tea. Oh yes and then I was sunburnt for 2 days like a tourist.


On the night of the lunar eclipse, I was in Qawra for walk down the seafront. I’m sorry to say I still find it boring in the evening and it is still taken over by the older generation. At best it is a low key night out, ending up at Caesar’s nighclub probably. As usual, I kicked off with my mate over something and nothing... probably because there is nothing else to do. The moon didn’t show itself until the journey back, but as we’d been arguing, my mate wouldn’t stop. This really bothered me because I love astronomy and I was tantalised by how strange the moon looked through the car window- musty red in colour and looking more spherical than usual. When we got home I rushed up to the roof garden but by then I had just missed the totality. This led to more moaning... but deep down I wasn’t as bothered as I was making out. Not sure if I am getting a bit bi-polar.


I got a call from TM before the weekend to say I had got the post I’d been waiting for since the interview in mid-March. But my celebratory mood was stifled by greed as I have to see what comes of the SC interview before I accept this offer. I called SC to apply a bit of pressure and they told me I am shortlisted at least. The job description sounds as if it would be quite tough, but once I visited the site in Kalkara, I realised I want this job instead and I’ll just have to pull my finger out. So here I am back in the situation of holding one company off while I wait for another. We drove back through Paola and stopped at a lovely little Chinese garden to take my mind off the nerves over this job situation. Another shopping trip later, financial pressure building, I can’t afford to miss out on these job opportunities and fed up of stalling now.


The next day, after a night of swatting mosquitoes, the pressure is released as SC also decided to offer me their position. I went straight from tense to elated. It feels good to have been accepted for the two jobs I really wanted from all of the 20- odd interviews, and I am relieved I had the ambition to hold out during times when I was offered posts I didn’t really fancy. Now I have a grandiose feeling like the world is my oyster but I know I have to clean my act up and be slightly more professional than I have been for the last 6 years... I went out splashing the cash on work clothes, food and drink, cinema... but then remembered I have to reign it in because I’ll need to work a month’s notice and I still haven’t signed a contract for either of the jobs.


This weekend’s feast was at Mqabba, using a narrow street as the venue which was jam packed with people eager to witness a world record. All the food stalls had a solid queue- a good 30 minute wait- and this caused a bit of tension to say the least- not in me though as I was content with my Lidl wine. Tonight’s fireworks display was the most extravagant I’ve ever seen and in addition, the new world record was successful... a 32m Catherine wheel, smashing the UK’s previous measly 27m. Err, great! I was actually enjoying myself, but all of a sudden my mate decides we have to go home for a number of daft reasons. I was happy just to be out despite the crowds; I hate going home before I am ready but I eventually conceded... Then we couldn’t even find a consolation kebab in Gzira, so it didn’t take long for my resentment to induce another alcohol fuelled tantrum. I am fed up of 1) having shit nights out and 2) being the sort of person that people feel comfortable to be insecure with. I just absorb the negativity and it spews back out. Hence, I started being really awkward like a little kid, making a lot of noise... making a pan of rosemary sauce at 1:00am for tomorrow’s dinner... then thought wtf am I doing- just go to bed and stop being a dick.


The next morning, my residual bad mood meant that I was looking for new things to be pissed off about i.e. having to vacate the house for a father’s day family meal. In hindsight though, it was a great 3 hours of lying in the sun clearing my head. In this state of mind, I always see everyone else as awkward and impossible to get through to, while lacking the presence of mind to tell myself how much I over react to things. However, I know I still desperately need other mates to go out with... ones who appreciate what enjoying yourself is about. After a long walk the red mist clears, along with the air between me and my friend... that is until he decides to start tucking into the dinner that he and his children had left for me.


Come Monday, I am nervous again as I need a definite offer from SC before I can make my decision. Meanwhile, TM are phoning me every hour and I have to ignore the calls as I literally don’t know what reason I can give as to why I am stalling them. My head is in a mess and it doesn’t help that the weekend’s antics are still lodged in my head: I’m too sensitive and, to a fault, I always have to rationalise and conclude. Now cut to a scene where I head butt the wall 4 times quite hard... why?... well as I try to talk things over I am constantly interrupted, so I raise my voice to be heard, then I get called aggressive, hence I get more frustrated, the message is lost when I start swearing, and finally all blame is somehow shifted to me...  Great- it sounds just like an argument you are supposed to have with a woman, not with a mate. But no, this is my life at the moment. Conclusion- I really need to stop letting people piss me off. However rational I think I am, I can’t change others and who am I to say I’m always right?


I did realise though that the right thing to do with these phone calls from TM would be to answer them and tell the truth. Otherwise I would just look transparent and silly. It was so easy and they were totally understanding- telling me they will wait for my decision. A big weight was lifted, now back to the waiting game and trying to enjoy my free time again.


On the Wednesday, I received confirmation of the SC offer- it is better pay than TM’s offer, and it’s closer to where I live, thus it was an easy choice to make. The wait is finally over and I start on 1st July. Of course, I couldn’t just enjoy my peace of mind as I became laid up with a stomach upset. After being notified of my decision, TM decided they could suddenly offer a "disturbance allowance"... This didn't sway me, but I will remember this for the future... try to play companies off against each other to force them to give you a better offer... create a fake job offer if you have to.


With one week of freedom left, I’m quite nervous about starting work now, and also about driving on these mad roads. I have planned to buy Mark’s old car that he has been lending to his good Syrian friend, and this car was returned with the petrol at absolute zero. A disasterous test drive followed with 2 breakdowns and pushing the car through Qormi during the Friday rush hour with a queue of honking motorists behind us. What’s a new battery and clutch between friends? The obligatory stress and arguments ensued, and this banger was dropped off at a garage. But as I’m told mechanics take weeks to get round to doing anything, I am now left with the prospect of not knowing how I’ll be getting to work for the first few days of my new job. I am ready to work but also not ready at all.


Over this weekend, I’m noticing everybody I meet is constantly speaking a foreign language, be it Maltese or French or whatever, so I’m feeling a bit left out. I can’t seem to stop eating junk food and ice cream, with the excuse that I’m probably still ill. What I could really do with is my guitar, to give me my identity back. Also, from Sunday, I am now home alone for a week while my mate is in Canada representing Malta at a world conference for Prison Fellowship. It’s strange to be left completely to fend for myself, but I enjoyed a day of nothingness- films, internet, meat, and biscuits. Meanwhile, that mysterious phone call from a few weeks ago is still ringing in my head- about a certain Syrian friend causing trouble... coupled with some menacing dreams I’ve been having lately, it is hard not to feel slightly uneasy. The remedy for me though is always to spend time looking at the stars, putting all worries into perspective. So I’ve been in the roof garden a lot at night thinking what has all the bad feeling been about recently? Meanwhile, I realised up there that sounds all echo off the stone buildings so you can't locate where they came from... just something a bit mad that I've not noticed before.


I went out with 2 new friends on the Monday, to Riviera Bay, which makes up part of Ghajn Tuffieha (apple eye bay). It’s a great beach and I never even knew it existed until now. The sea is shallow for a long way out and it’s just a very nice place to be. I still get scared of animals getting me in the sea when my feet can’t touch the bottom. I need to get over that. We hiked up onto the ridge separating this and Gnejna Bay, where you can see Golden Bay too on the opposite side. I felt glad that I made the effort to come out and be sociable, and even managed to remember some French (so I could speak to the one who is French)... even with a language barrier you can still get along by being daft. We waited for the bus back for 90 minutes as it's chaos during the changeover to the new buses, ended up hitchhiking back, then I got sand all over the house. I'm not yet adjusted to this beach lifestyle but overall a good day.


The next day I got a call from SC as an introductory chat. It’s feeling very real now. I’m sort of dreading it but also determined to make it a success. Everyone has to work and this is long overdue for me. I tried to go out to Valletta but gave up after another long wait for the bus. I walked to Sliema instead and managed to find the things I wanted- clothes, a map and a language book to start learning Maltese properly. The book is called “Beginning Maltese” by Lydia Sciriha, it's €30 but is by far the best material I have found for self teaching. I’m almost excited about learning the language, despite everyone telling me I don’t need to bother. I’m also getting more friendly with the heat, which is cranking up a notch every day. Putting up with the English weather now seems like a ridiculous concession.


Now I am alone in the house, fending for myself, I’m realising how much I tend to rely on others to lead the way when the opportunity is there for me... I lose my sense of responsibility and part of my own identity. Could that be a source of why I’ve been getting irritated? Perhaps it’s more my fault than I realised. Anyway I’m quite enjoying rattling around the house with time to implement all this self improvement. I had another football dream where I am really looking forward to playing, but I never get to play- this time I’ve got the wrong kit and I miss the game because it takes me ages to dress myself. Usually the problem is that my legs go heavy and I can’t even kick the ball. Why do I never get to enjoy a proper game? It must indicate that I still feel stifled and unfulfilled. Nevertheless, I am feeling positive and continuing with work preparations for Friday.


As I reach the end of my second month, this blog seems to be becoming even more verbose. I can hear myself droning on and am sure this cannot be interesting to anybody but me. In July I really have to start writing a lot less, as there won’t be enough time to be so self indulgent.


So Thursay, my last day of freedom, started in a good way... a haircut, 3 hours sunbathing, gym and working on the language book... but then disaster struck as I was winding down for a decent sleep... I didn’t actually get any sleep all night... maybe 5 minutes at 5:45am but no more than that... not the best for my first day at work tomorrow...